Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
