I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
