So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
