take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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