Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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