i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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