Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
