Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Houston, we have a blender
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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