Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
