You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
