I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
