no, he came in my armpit
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
