Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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