ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
