Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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