the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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