Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
