I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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