I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
