If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
