At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
