I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I wish there were birth control emojis
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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