I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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