im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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