just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
