He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
