So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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