My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
