So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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