I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
