can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
