just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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