I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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