I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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