This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
