I wish my penis had an off switch
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
