life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
