My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
