shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
