i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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