First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
