Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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