So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Blood and glitter go together right?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
