Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
