Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I intend to get homeless drunk
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
