I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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