Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
