is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You took a bar mat shot.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
