My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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