Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
