It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
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