I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
