we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I am naked and annoyed.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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