Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
