Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm getting married
To pizza
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
