I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
