i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
