Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize