my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
